I love Katy Perry. Seriously…I do. Her tunes are bouncy, she's beautiful in that classic sort of way and she can rock a night brace like none other. But did you know she used to have blonde hair, a different last name and sing Jesus songs?  Yeah, I just blew your mind.

katy-gospel-album

Anyway…if you have a small kid, you know that out of 5 million words in a day, they'll hone right in on the nasty inappropriate ones…repeating them loudly in church, school and grocery store check-out lines;  meanwhile, you're left standing there trying to defend your pathetic lack of parental monitoring. When this happens, I usually blame the public school system.

For Cali's first three years of life, the only television channel she watched was Noggin (pre-commercials). It was also during this time that she ate oatmeal and eggs…and never begged for stupid toys that squirt cookie dough and glow-in-the-dark paint.  I can't really pin-point the exact time we exposed her to other televised programming for children. All I know is that after that, she started swilling Bubba Cola, walking like a hunchback, picking her nose and repeating "I Like Jello" over and over. She also refused to eat roughage. Truth be told, she became plumb ignorant. (See pics below for verification)

redneck baby collage

So back to Katy Perry.  My kid is also a big fan because I have my iPod chuck full of her tunes.  We'll have the sunroof open, cruising down Slappey Boulevard, singing about extraterrestrials and fireworks.  It was during one of these jaunts that my iPod's battery died and we were left with nothing but talking space.  So she's back there, slurping on a Slurpee, looking like a hillbilly when she asks:

"Mama.  What's a menage a trois?"

A WHAT TO THE WHAT?!

"A menage a trois.  Katy Perry talked about that's what she could have might have did last Friday night."

*crickets*

And in my most brilliant parental save-a-scene to date, I swiftly replied:

"Chinese food.  It's Chinese food.  She had Chinese food last Friday night. For dinner.  That's what she had."

Katy…consider yourself censored.