We all remember when we learned the truth of a matter we once idealized. If you DON'T remember….then you're either one of two things.
A) A sketchy skeptic.
OR
B) A deluded Pollyanna wannabe.
For those grounded in reality….the following observations won't faze you; however, the deluded ones are in for a royal let-down.
1) Finding out Santa was actually your chronically depressed Uncle Herschel. The family decided it might be worth a shot to bequeath the sacred job on to Herschel who had recently threatened to hang himself from the rafters of his rental house after his third wife, Doris, left him for the Schwan man who came by every Wednesday to deliver beef tips and encrusted shepherd's pie.
2) After attending a circus in the Mall parking lot, you come to the realization that clowns are kind of creepy after seeing Jolly the Jingleball selling weed out the back of his clown pants.
3) Learning there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". Spending fifteen hours a day hunkered over a pile of wires and switches isn't a hobby. It's pure sickness, man.
4) Realizing that no matter what you do….live traps, pellet guns, foul language, bug spray, sulfuric acid in a spray bottle…the Jehovah's Witnesses just keep on coming. And coming and coming and coming and coming…..
5) Learning that no matter what the circumstance, the file you're looking for will always be the last one in the pile.
6) Understanding that "Honorable Mention" is code-speak for "Loser With Little to No Ambition".
7) The truth will not always set you free.
8) Learning that "What Happens in Vegas" actually follows you home, camps out in your front lawn and announces she's now pregnant with your child and would like to begin legal proceedings to ensure her future happiness and emotional well-being.
9) The Taco Bell employees don't necessarily always obey the "All Employees Must Wash Their Hands" rule posted on the back of every bathroom stall.
10) Learning that no matter how hard you try to protect your children, they may wind up being in the Sunday paper after being arrested for peeping and attempted looting.
11) Learning that your hard-core personal trainer at Gold's Gym obtains their vim, pep and vigor from a daily consumption of Red Bull and Cocaine smoothies.
12) Under NO circumstance should you even remotely suggest you think a woman's pregnant unless you can see a child emerging from her at that moment.
13) "Peace Talks" are nothing more than elevated testosterone levels featured on the evening news.
14) Regardless of your physical prowess, you cannot catch a crack-head.
15) People who part their hair in the middle cannot be trusted.
16) "Customer Support" is not there to support you in any way, shape or form.
17) Cough syrup doesn't work.
18) If the brake lights don't work on the Precious Punkin's Daycare van…chances are they don't think your kid is all that precious.
19) One Size Fits All is a cruel and inhumane hoax.
20) Hearing your hair stylist say "Oops" is never a good thing.
21) It's usually in your best interest to control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
22) The true sign of a man's character is defined by how he reacts to losing his luggage…. after being denied boarding access because of an unintentional twitch leading to the assumption that he was intoxicated.
23) Saving money at Walmart doesn't necessarily mean you're guaranteed a better life.
24) He who laughs last is usually the slowest one in the room.
25) Pressing harder on your remote control won't revive your batteries.
26) When God, who created the entire universe in all of its glory, decides to deliver a message to humanity, I highly doubt he will use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with bad hair and a judgmental attitude.
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