On the eve of Mama's Day weekend, my daughter (Not on purpose. I think.) made my day this morning by hurting my feelings. And I cried. And I'm a little ashamed to even admit that. But I did.
She said, "I wish I had a regular mom whose back didn't hurt all the time."
Now. I'm sure she wasn't being malicious. It's hard to tell with her sometimes. But my mama's words came back to me. You know the ones of which I speak. Every bad kid out there had a mom who wisely informed them, "One day you're going to have a child just like you. Then you'll understand this pain I've had to endure for 18 years before suggesting you get your own place. And a job."
The good lord above felt it necessary to bequeath to me a child that is me ten times over. And I've become my mother. Quite frankly, it's a blooming miracle that my mama didn't kick me out by the time I was 8 years old. Most mamas welcome their child with Oooh and Awwws, binkies and bottles. I think my mama's subconscious must've muttered, "Oh god. Here it comes" when I came along.
I was a bit long in the tooth when the stork dropped me off. I'm adopted. And there are often times when I reflect upon my childhood and shudder. Not because it was bad. But because of everything I put my mama through. Upon arrival, I liked to spit, hit, kick and bite like a rabid camelcoon (that's the hybrid breed of camel and raccoon). Now if that would've been me on the receiving end, I would have sent the kid back. But my mama was under the impression that God had something big planned for me. I think the plan involved me staying out of prison. Sometimes I feel like I'm still waiting for the Master Plan to arrive in my mailbox.
All that aside, I love my mama for her endurance and tenacity. I respect my mama for her discipline (not the spanking kind) and strength. So. I hereby thank you publicly mama, 22 times over. Even though humor is littering the list, the authenticity is right under it. I love you very much and am proud to be your legal offspring.
1. Thank you for keeping me.
2. Thank you for not laughing too hard when I declared I wanted to be a jockey when I grew up, knowing good and well I was too tall.
3. Thank you for rocking me and singing Dottie Rambo's song, "Tiny" to me...even though it was a song about a 3 year old girl who died of unknown causes. That made me brave.
4. Thank you for making sure my little dresses were ironed and my hair was in perfect curls because you made me sleep on those skinny brown rubber hair curlers that permanently put dents in my head. Like all over it.
5. Thank you for for sewing Henry's nose back on more than a few times. You did that didn't you? I'm pretty sure you did.
6. Thank you for understanding that I thoroughly enjoyed sitting for long spells under the kitchen table with my suitcase of books, pencils and a pencil sharpener that was round and half of it was white, the other half red.
7. Thank you for not leaving me on that ferry boat to Kelley's island. I really appreciated that.
8. Thank you for taking me fishing.
9. Thank you for letting me know that it was okay to be barefoot most of the time.
10. Thanks for not turning me into the authorities when I beat up Bradley repeatedly.
11. I also thank you for threatening to throw spiders in my bed due to my sibling naughtiness. That also made me brave.
12. Thank you for giving me countless home perms without permanent scarring.
13. Thank you for forgiving me.
14. Thank you for sending Daddy in to punish me because you knew that once you started whipping me you wouldn't be able to stop and you didn't want your children seeing their mother handcuffed and shoved in that back of the po-po's car.
15. Thank you for not being too mad when you found that massive stash of Shaklee Vita-Lea that I'd been spitting out of my mouth for several months behind your back.
16. Thank you for not berating me and calling me a filthy slob when I came home from summer camp with my towels in the exact same place they were when I arrived at camp.
17. Thank you for that baby grand piano for my 16th birthday. That rocked hardcore.
18. Thank you for teaching me how to sew.
19. That you for being more patient than a sheet of paper. (I can't really explain the thing about the paper because I don't really understand it myself. I just read it somewhere and I know that a sheet of paper has a whole lotta patience.)
20. Thank you for instilling the love of libraries and paper books within my soul.
21. Thank you for always making sure my shoes had good tread because if I fell down in public it was a direct result of sketchy parenting, specifically the mother.
22. Thank you for teaching me to keep to keep my knees together when wearing a dress instead of a linebacker on the bench.
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