iphone

A couple of weeks ago a parent-friend asked, "So, when are you getting your kid her own iPhone?"  I reared back in horror and reminded her that those talking boxes were the leading cause of webbed feet and ignorance.  No way am I going to give my kid the opportunity to randomly call people at obscene hours of the day and night.  That would be like allowing unlimited and unmonitored phone calls at the Mental Health Hospital.  Anyway...I don't trust modern technology with all their super double knot secret spy tomfoolery.

Take iPhone for example.  iPhone is so super secret that one time they named their secret spy-ware with a secret name.   "consolidated.db".  Apparently it was able to track you sitting on a toilet in a Chevron station on the East side, then give you pop up ads for guns and weed based on your location.  Now, this would be great if you'd agreed to it…signed a contract or something.  But quite frankly, this is just a computer geek's modern way of peeking over the top of the potty stall.  Or under.  Either way…they're peeking.  And no one digs a peeker.

Peekers can't be trusted.  Ever.  Once a peeker, always a peeker.  So iPhone got caught.  That's the only reason we know about this spy-nation stuff!  Lord only knows what else is on there that we don't know about.  Probably a camera.  Hidden under the 'Power' button.  Right this very second, there's a clatch of pasty white Apple mutants hunched over a computer screen, snorting and laughing at you trying to erase all your incriminating texts before your significant other asks to "borrow" your phone.

I dunno…maybe this is all Bill O'Reilly's whack scheme to become the Republican party's latest IT man.  It's hard to tell.  All I know is this:  before I get in my car today, I'm sending my kid up under there with a bomb-spotting mirror to look for any unauthorized tracking devices.

It's not like I've got anything MAJOR to hide.  I just don't want people to know that I hang out at the library on Friday nights and occasionally park in Baptist church parking lots to gorge on Krispy Kreme doughnuts and listen to rock 'n roll music.